I'm upset. Okay? I'll admit it. I'm upset and I'm hurt and I'm spiteful and to be honest I just can't do it anymore.

Everyone I've met I've tried to be nice, I've tried to be so kind. I've tried to help and I've tried to just be a GOOD PERSON! And I get nothing in return.

I know this isn't how life works okay? I know everything isn't a transaction but what's wrong with being a little selfish for once in my freaking life?? I don't know what I did to deserve this God but I swear if I make it to heaven it'll only be that way because you put me through hell.

I don't know what to do anymore. I actually genuinely don't know what to do. I'm so appalled by the thought of going to bed just to wake up in the morning just to be subjected to another day of this. I'm in pain, true genuine pain and I don't have anyone to blame except myself. What are therapists and pills supposed to fix if the problem is you? I'm not gonna go the whole scum of the earth schtick most people do but I genuinely hate myself more than anyone has ever hated in the world. Every SINGLE time I think I find someone that I hate I take a deeper look and in them I see myself.

That stupid haircut, those awful AWFUL jokes. I'm genuinely such a wimp and a liar. "I just want to make everyone happy" WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO! If I was a character in a show I'd genuinely stop watching soley based on the amount of times I would say "sorry" in a single episode. I'm constantly being trampled on by everyone and then before they can even turn around to apologise I'm cleaning off the blood they got on their shoes when they broke my nose. I'll even put my dog's, my DOG's needs before myself and if anyone tries to pay it back I'll just turn around and say "well it pays off in the end right? Don't worry about it!" WELL IT DOESNT, IT NEVER EVER EVER EVER PAYS OFF. IM GONNA LIVE AN ENTIRE LIFE OF INDENTURED FREAKING SERVITUDE TO EVERYONE I EVER LOVED BECAUSE I CANT STAND THE THOUGHT OF SAYING NO.

I want to kill myself. Oh sweet mother of freaking everything I want to kill myself. There's absolutely nothing for me in this life besides the "joy of helping others". I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't. I won't. I don't want to. But then again when has anybody ever cared what I wanted? Suicide hurts people right? So therefore killing myself wouldn't be a very nice thing to do right? RIGHT? So with THAT logic I CAN'T possibly kill myself cause that would go against everything I stand for RIGHT? Am I RIGHT RBAMSSY????

So here I am. Repurposing an old website I made to try and sap the last drops of pity out of anyone who bothers to care. Because that's all I get. People feeling sorry for me. I must have a praise kink or something because I won't accept ANY kind of help from anyone but I'll sure as bloody freaking hell accept an "oh you're always so nice rbamssy I'm glad to have you in the chat" or a "Dude you're a good friend, thank you for being so kind and helping me when I was down."

Y'know, I thought the mental hospital would fix me. I Wanted it to; but it didn't. All it really was for me was kind of a reset. I was able to take all the stress I was under and put it on the shelf. Now it's back, and it's moldy and it's rotten and I'm still gonna eat it because maybe just MAYBE I'll get food poisoning and suffer a long and slow painful death because it's what I deserve.

Honestly I'd like to think of myself as a jack in sheep's clothing. I've been a bully, an asshole, a quiet kid, a jock, you NAME IT. I'm like the Johnny Sins of being worthless! But where does the sheep's clothing come from you ask? Oh! It's cause it ALL GOT WASHED AWAY AS SOON AS I STARTED BEING NICE. Open a few doors for people and they completely forget you bullied them nearly to suicide in hopes that one day they'd stand up for themselves and just kill you. Give someone five bucks and they completely forget that your suicide date you set a year ago in that note that made them report you to the school was just yesterday and now you're a walking dead man.

I don't want to live anymore. I genuinely don't. I don't know what to do. I don't know what all this anger is. I don't know why I can't just accept compliments, I don't know why I tell people I'm just tired when they see my eyes that are red from crying. I don't know anything anymore. I'm just tired.

I'm so tired...